In the land of Sparta,
When babies were born,
The elders would inspect them for defects
Ah! Are you my mama?
Because I am ready, to suck your tits!
If any imperfections were found...
The baby was rejected.
And if the baby was Vietnamese,
Branjelina had first dips.
Cute, huh?
Behold, Leonidas...
Awoo!
The perfect Spartan.
At an early age,
Leonidas was taught to fight.
Come on, you little shit. Come on!
You can't beat me! You're never gonna be a Spartan. Never!
Take this, granny!
He was tortured. Torture showed no pain.
Tell me, Mr. Bond. What is the account number?
Who the hell is Mr. Bond?
I am Leonidas.
You are testing my patience, double o'
I am not double ohh...
Little Miss Sunshine!
It's a nice one, huh?
It's not going in your mouth, this one.
Alright there. Mr. Bond, I would like you to meet Captain Adorable
Good boy! Who's a good boy!
Leonidas was sent into the wild...
To learn how to survive.
He prayed to the elements...
Endured starvation...
No mayo? This is bullshit!
The beast stalks Leonidas...
Red eyes glowing like the fires of Hell!
Man, you've got Happy Feet!
I am about to shove up my Happy Foot up your ass, crackum!
Nice penguin!
Where are you going, pussy?
I'm about to make you my bitch, Leonidas!
- The taco barely sitting right here. - Oh, stop!
Caught you with your mouth open!
You're dead Leonidas.
Say, 'Wazzup!' to Anna Nicole.
Shit, I'm stuck! Oh my God, we've got a penguin penned down!
Help! Help!
My ass!
My ass hurts! Uhh!
Why do you want to do me like that?
Come on, man!
I could hook you up! We could work it out!
I was just joke...
And the boy that was tossed into the wild...
...returned a king!
Wow!
Boobs!
Sign my rock!
And they're real too!
Yes!
Marry me?
- What's that? - The combination to my chasity belt
Leonidas was stoked.
He wed Margo and she bore him a fine son.
And life in the land of Sparta was good.
Yes! Yes! Good!
Thanks Dad!
Give me your hand. Remember son!
A warrior must learn to take a hit!
Fight with your head,
Think with your heart.
Give him the 'Piledriver', honey.
The 'Piledriver'?
That's my boy.
- My Queen! - Captain!
I can see Leonidas is holding our future king of Sparta to be a man.
I remember when my father used to beat me.
The traditional rites of passage.
No, my father was an alcoholic.
Xerxes' messenger awaits, my King.
- Greetings, Leonidas! - Greetings, messenger!
What the hell was that?
- What? - You just kissed me!
That is how men of Sparta greet each other.
High-fives for the women...
...and open-mouth tongue kisses for the men.
- I get it. - Get what?
You have a free society.
Yes!
- The freest! - Not that there is anything wrong with that!
I take big, black dudes.
Yeah!
Come messenger, let us walk!
The great Xerxes has taken over the world with his vast Persian army.
He has set his sights with his final conquest.
Sparta!
Let us talk by the giant Pit of Death.
Okay!
Xerxes is a kind God King,
and offers these peaceful alternatives to war!
No blood will be shed
As long as you Spartan men with his spirits
You women... become his sex slaves!
And your children... work in sweat shops, making Nikes.
That sounds reasonable.
I'm sure you would think so, Counselman Treathero.
Tell Xerxes,
To take his proporsal,
and shove it...
What the hell?
What? He came onto me!
I did not! Dawg, your wife's a ho!
This means war!
Hey, hey, it's cool! It's cool!
We've got San Franciso. And West Hollywood. We don't need Sparta.
I'll just tell Xerxes it's a no-go!
Kick his ass in!
This is madness!
Madness?
This... is... Sparta!
Why did you do that? He was backing down!
My Lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta is not in war with them...
...so whatever you do, don't kick him into the Pit of Death!
Stop kicking people into the Pit of Death! Really!
I wonder why y'all always have my back for everything!
I am a responsible adult! Look at me... I'm booby-feeding my baby!
Sometimes I like to give him pridemilk. I call them milkpoppers. It's just like breastmilk but it's fried
And you just pop it into their mouth! He loves it, don't you, baby!
I am a smart shopper
I got this entire outfit in an alleyway from a Mexican woman!
Bagging, shopping, yeah!
Why do you all think I mess up?
Shit, do I look crazy to you?
Oh damn cuz, there goes my palimony.
K-Fed ain't having it, yo!
I am not gay!
- Leonidas! - Bryan Seaquest?
Let's see what the judges have to say. Randy!
Yo, Leo dawg man, I wasn't really filling you out on that kick, dawg!
Just alright, dawg!
- Paula? - You move me!
Simon?
- I thought that kick was utterly... dreadful! - Oh, Simon!
In fact I have seen better kicks from a geriatric donkey.
- And I am not talking about you, Paula! - Oh that's so mean!
Oh, go (bleep) yourselves!
Seaquest comes!
Excellent work, my king.
It's time to consult the prophets.
The ancient prophets were advisors to the King.
Grotesque swines! Their consults came with a swine.
Ohh, Oxytan... Nutrogina...
This has a SPF. This is all day protection.
Look at this... Expoliate Hydroxide!
This is good for you man, rub it all over your disgusting face!
What need you, King Leonidas?
Ancient prophets...
I need your guidance.
I am assembling an army of 300 to go to war with Persia
I'm going to take them, to the rear.
And then I'm gonna reach around...
...and I'm gonna take them up on the front!
What? Why are you snickering?
Nothing, really! It's nothing.
What's so damn funny?
Look, it's all there for you to see!
It's a battle formation!
Well, it's because it looks backstage in an Elton John concert.
Cut it out! This isn't funny. This is serious business.
No Spartan goes to war without them consulting... the Oracle
The prophets chose only the most beautiful of Spartan girls...
...to be their Oracle.
- Ugly Betty? - She has a great personality.
Ooh.
I look like Jabba the Hut. That is hot to me.
Oh!
Well, she doesn't... mind it...
'Save the cheerleader, save the world'
Actually, I'm not into Heroes.
- Deuschbag says, 'What?' - What?
- Chestwax says ,'What?' - What?
You are...
What, what are you saying to me? I don't understand!
Go to war with Persia and you will surely die!
You're screwed, dude!
What?
He looks like a 'Ken' doll.
It's cold.
Borat?
Why is my prince so restless?
I can't sleep.
It's this whole battle of the modernary thing.
Are you still thinking about what the young Oracle said?
There is only one woman who's words you should listen to.
- Oprah? - Your wife?
Right, right!
How will I be tried in the court of public opinion?
Well, Harry knows at 'Ain't It Cool News'
says this movie is just a cheap rip-off of '300'.
Even if the Oracle doesn't support you,
I do... and Sparta does.
This could be our last night together.
Do you wanna do it?
Like we never done it before?
97... 98...
99... 100!
Beat my record!
- Captain! - My King!
Have you assembled my army who are ready to fight for death...
...for the freedom of Sparta?
Yes, King!
I wanted 300.
This seems like... less.
These were the only men that meant with the specific expectations.
Hunky with Deep Mediterranean tens.
Hot bods and...
- Yes? - Well, undowed.
We are ready to fight for you, My King!
Never give up, never surrender! To infinity, and beyond!
He has lot of heart, my king...
...and nice man boobs.
Indeed.
These men will do.
You are a fine captain, Captain.
A better friend...
- ...there is none. -- Thank you!
Thank you.
He's got a huge package.
My father!
Very well, my son.
Introductions?
Leonidas, this is my son, Soniel.
My King.
Why is he not fighting?
He is not a warrior.
He's my only son just on to carry my name.
What do you think?
Yummy!
Work it, sister.
I think he's Venus.
And if you do not like it... You can kiss my fat ass!
Ooh!
Congratulations, Soniel.
You are now on a new way on becoming Sparta's next new warrior.
Spartan?
My child!
I shall never forget you,
You are so small now...
...but one day you will grow to be big and strong...
...like your father.
That's not your son.
You asshole!
Take care of your mother.
Stay tough, son.
Come back with your shield... or on it.
And if I come back on it...
...I want you to move on.
I would never.
And if you died, I'd pay the bill.
To be honest...
I have always wanted to do a fat chick.
The men are ready, my King.
We'll head set to the Hot Gates
Where we'll intercept the Persian army.
Where are you going?
The Oracle says if we went to war, we would be screwed.
The Oracle also said that our painted-on abs...
...look fake.
But I beg to differ.
Give the order, Captain.
Spartans, in formation!
Move on!
# Oh no, not I. I will survive #
# Oh, as long as I know how I love #
# I'll know I'll survive #
# I've got all my life to live #
# I've got all my love to give #
# And I will survive. #
# I will survive. #
# Hey, hey! #
- Hmm, hmm. - Whoo!
The fearless Spartans reached the 'Hot Gates'...
...when danger lurked around every corner.
Halt, skipping!
Exhausted from their journey...
The Spartans replenished their electro-lives.
Gay drink! Is it in you?
What do you think, my king?
We'll use the narrow passage by the Hot Gates...
...to funnel the Persians in...
...where their vast numbers won't count for shit!
Captain, have the men found any other trails...
...that the Persians could use to attack us?
None, sir!
I know such a road, my king.
Back off, you hideous creature!
There is a secret bow-path, just below the Hot Gates.
If the Persians found it, they can not find you.
Slow your role, Captain.
Reveal yourself, creature.
- Paris Hilton? - Hey, fellas!
What happened to you?
Oh, you mean the hump?
Yeah, the hump!
It was all that, 'You're going to jail. Now you can get out of jail'
'Now you can go back to jail!' And on, and on, and on. Uhh!
It's just been totally confusing. Even Tinkerbell's affected by it.
She hasn't moved since Saturday. She still poops which is weird.
And me! They have turned me into this... like...
...totally grotesque monster! And I don't even know what...
Oh!
Hello? Oh, hey Nicole!
Nothing, just some guys with their swords.
No, I'm talking about their actual swords. Nicole, you're gross.
Now, I'm hungry. Did you eat?
Oh, you ate an almond? Oh yea, you're done eating for the day.
Bye, sexy ...
Look, it's my dream to be a Spartan.
What can you do?
Have you seen my video?
Oh yeah!
She's pretty good.
I am sorry, but we can not use you.
No, it's not fair!
Mom!
I am not as stupid as I look!
Help!
Look, Persians!
I am the emmisary...
...to the great God-king, Xerxes...
...come to accept your surrender.
Oh, we're not here to surrender.
Xexes will enjoy making you his slaves.
- Spartans! Let's battle! - Yeah!
Oh, we're about to stomp the yard.
We are Spartans, we stomp the yard!
Check out our bods!
Ooh, ooh!
Spartans! Yea!
Persians!
Let's show them what we National Champs for 3 years, running.
You dig?!
Oh, come on!
Ooh, ahh! Ooh, ahh! Perrrsians!
# You gotta shake your ass #
Let's go!
Oh, please!
Oooh!
Don't come up in my kitchen with that weaker shit!
# You gotta shake your ass #
You got served!
- Are you telling me we lost? - Dance them to the cliffs!
Come on, man! Can we talk about this? Oh, I just met these goons right here. I don't even know them!
We may have won the battle. But they will win the war!
Hah! What?
Budmeister presents... Real Men of Genius!
Today we salute you, Mr. War-Mongering Latened Homosexuals
Wearing nothing but leather underwear and a cape you charge your enemy...
...like an oil-upped hairless wonder!
Sure there's danger! Charging rhinos, stampeding elephants...
...and that cute togo wearing guy named 'Chad'.
You only went out on one date but you'll remember it forever!
Your king's instincts tell you to cut, slice and chop every man you see...
But enough about your career as a hair-stylist.
Let's talk war.
So this Bud's for you King Leonidas!
Because when the going gets tough, the tough go and ticking
Queen Margo, we must speak!
What do you want?
Nice tomatoes!
Your husband... needs you.
You must convince the council to send more troops to support your husband.
My husband is dead...
...he told me to move on. Besides, I'm already registered on J-Day
A little to the right... That's it!
Leonidas fails, Xerxes will take over...
...and you will be stripped of your crown.
I won't be Queen?
Auw, it's too hard.
We'll lose everything.
The palace...
- Your Nintendo Wii... - No, no, no! Oww!
Your 20 inch rims in your Escalade...
...your gardener!
Antonio?
My husband needs me!
I'll do whatever it takes!
I'll accept the meeting with the council.
But in order to win their vote,
You need to get traitorers as your supporter.
He holds great influence. The Council.
King Leonidas, Xerxes approaches!
Xerxes! He seems as much at that Fat guy from the movie of Borat.
- I am the great God King Xerxes. Oww! - Ooh!
Oww, oww, oww!
- Ohh! - Ahh!
Damn!
- I'm sorry, Xerxes! - It's cool! It's cool, cool! I'm fine.
I meant to do that.
Oh, shit!
I tell you, kid... you got balls!
I come over here with a big army, and we're gonna sheesh kabab your ass.
Before this battle is over,
people will know that even a God-king could fall.
Listen Leo, I came here to talk.
Just listen to my deal.
Ladies!
Hi Xerxes!
That's probably for me.
Hello. Really? Okay!
That was the banker. He's offering to buy back your briefcase...
...for a week and getaway for two...
...in Las Vegas, Nevada...
...in the Palms Hotel and Casino.
I always wanted to go there!
All you have to do... is bow down to me
And surrender Sparta.
Deal... or no deal?
- Take the deal! - No!
Take the deal, take the deal!
What about Sparta?
- Hit the button! - Yes, take the deal, take the deal!
Hit the button!
Hit it.
- No deal! - Aww, damn!
By the time I'm finished with you...
...Sparta will be annihilated.
It will be as though it never existed.
I will see to it that you're written out of the history books.
Well, that's fine, my mean Xerxes...
Because I can't read.
Xerxes didn't take rejection well.
From every corner of his empire,
He sent his most vicious warriors to fight.
Yo mama so ghetto, when she brest-feeds cool-oil comes out!
Yo mama so stupid she thought...
...2Pac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday
Yo mama so fat, her...
...pant size is umm... 'Bitch-Lose-Some-Weight'!
Yo mama so foot, Rosie O' Donnel wouldn't even date her!
Oh, you did it! No, you didn't!
Well, yo mama titties are smaller than yours!
Those tits are my bitches!
Yo mama so fat...
...so they decided that he doesn't like big butts. And he ain't lyin'!
Aww, oh, my eyes!
How you like that, huh?
Yo mama so fat that when she farts...
...Al Gore accuses her of global warming, dawg!
Yes, well that maybe the case but yo mama so hairy,
the only language she speaks...
...is wookie! Brrrr! Brrrr!
Xerxes watched as his warriors were defeated.
It sent an all human chill-up to his spine...
...or perhaps that was the Dentyne Ice with Cool-Made Crystals.
Lloyl said you wanted to see me.
That's my urine sample.
Leonidas needs more troops.
Without reinforcements, Sparta will fall and...
Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah...
I'll do anything... for my husband.
Anything?
Awesome! I'm so getting laid!
Goodbye, virginity!
I promise you, you're not going to enjoy this...
...but I have V.D
That's okay! I have crabs.
Betray your beloved Spartans. And I'll give you anything you desire!
That's hot!
Bow down to me!
Bend down to the great God King,
Xerxes.
- I am a Hilton, I don't bow! - Ai!
- But, I do bend over! - Ah!
- Good! - There's a secret go-path between...
...the Hot Gates. You can totally use it to defeat Leonidas!
And what do you desire?
I want my record esponged.
Oh, and I want that new Chanel purse.
Thank you! I want... throwing up to be fun!
You've got something to say, say it!
I've got things to do!
What was it?
Oh God, jeez, yeah!
I want to get this hump removed.
As long as Xerxes doesn't find the secret path to the Hot Gates...
...their vast numbers won't count for shit!
My King!
Catch your breath! Vanilla blend-in.
What is it, boy?
Xerxes has found the secret go-path between the Hot Gates.
Oh, shit!
Damn that Paris Hilton.
I hate her.
He's deployed a thousand of Persian soldiers. They can be here any minute!
Idilio... How bad are your injuries?
Oh, it's... It's just a scratch, my King.
You've got no eyes.
The gods have blessed me with a spare
No, they haven't. You just have the two.
Jeremy has the spare.
But I can still fight.
Ho, Idilio... Idilio... Idilio!
- What? - Idilio, Idillio... Idilio! Walk with me.
No, no, no!
Your fate is the most important!
You must go back to Sparta,
and tell of our tale!
Yes, my King,
Any message for the Queen?
None that need to be said.
Now go Idillio. Tell how 13 Spartans...
Fought for honour...
For glory...
For freedom. Good luck, Idilio.
Spartans!
This is your final chance.
Bow down to me... or you will die.
I bow for no man!
- Take a knee! - No!
- Curtsy! - Enough!
- Well, your sandle is untied. - Oh, thanks very much!
- You see, was that that difficult? - Wait, no!
- Atatatata! No, no! - No, I wasn't bowing! I wasn't bowing!
- I was just doing my shoe! - No, no!
You acknowledge me as your God-king. High-five!
What?
What, what, what the hell is so funny?
- You! - Me?
You greet like women.
You idiots are wearing banana panties and you're laughing at me?
Now you're pissing me off! I'm getting everybody!
Hello, where you at?
I know where I'm at.
Bring in my vast army.
You, 13 butts...
...are no match for my massive Persian army.
They number in their millions!
That's just a blue screen!
Stupid! It's a visual effect!
It's going to be digitally inserted later.
And the army is quite impressive as you can imagine.
Gentlemen, I present, Queen Margo.
Shake it, baby!
Okay boys, Make it rain!
Good counsilmen...
I implore you.
Your king... my dear husband, needs your help.
Sparta will fall if you don't agree to send the rest of the army.
Gentlemen, our only hope for survival is to surrender to Xerxes
and beg for his forgiveness.
Do not be swayed by the words of this...
...woman slut!
- Oh, no you didn't! - Yes, yes I did!
Queen Margo unleashed a venomous rage.
Much like Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 3.
I'm evil!
Made of sand. Oh!
Oh, no!
Cute!
Gross!
What?
Oh, oh, God, oh!
How you like me now, Sandman?
Oh, no!
That dusting bitch, no!
Aaaah!
Chickel my nipples with a feather, Xerxes is in Traitor's Top 5.
Treathero was a traitor?
Duh!
All in favor of sending more troops...
- Say, 'I' - I, I, I, I!
Spartans! Huh!
We have you surrounded,
Lay down your weapons!
- Come and get them! - For-mation!
- Umm... - The Spartan always protects another man's rear!
Adjust your sword, boy!
It's sticking into my back.
No, I'm not wearing my sword.
Carry on, then.
My son?
Today, you are truly a Spartan.
Thank you father.
Attack!
Steady, Spartans.
Remember this day, boys...
...for today is the day you die!
What?
I, I mean they will die. Today is the day that they die.
That was what I meant to say.
Go on!
Oh, what a bunch of dumb-shits.
God, that was smart!
I'm gonna go Hercules up your ass!
Ghost Rider!
You go to hell.
Die!
Stop the war! Stop the war!
Ohh!
- No! - Yo, Sonio?
- I'll knock your blocko! - Oh, shit!
Sonio!
You'll pay for this, Balboa.
Go for it!
Adult diapers?
Botox over-dose.
Yes!
Yea! Ha-ha!
Yaa!
Yes!
Xerxes!
It's a beautiful day.
It's actually not that attractive.
# Come on, Barbie. Let's go Barbie! #
Ooh!
Shit!
It's enough of this victoreous video game violence!
Ah, a Transformer cube.
Okay baby, Let's transform!
I am Xerxestron, equipped with the Trans-alien technology!
Leave Buddy alone!
- He is a God-king ... - Please!
Leave him alone!
Leonidas was true to his word...
A God-king did fall!
But unfortunately, right on them!
I just...
Ohh!
Ooh!
- Queen Margo? - Yeah!
Leonidas and the Spartans,
died for honour.
For glory.
They died.
A beautiful death.
Today, we stand against 30 thousand Persians.
But we now have, a hundred thousand soldiers!
Awoo! Awoo! Awoo!
To victory!
Ah! Follow me boys!
Idillio blindly led the Spartans away from the Persians...
...to Mallibu...
...just as Lindsay Lowhand was leaving rehab... again!
# At first, I was afraid #
# I was petrified #
# Kept thinking that I could never live without you by my side #
# But then I spend so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong #
# And I grew strong #
# And I learned how to get along #
# And so you're back #
# From outer-space #
# I just want them to find you here with that sad look upon your face #
# I should have just change my stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key #
# If I didn't know for just one second, you would be back to bother me #
# Go on now, go! Walk out of the door! Just turn around now! Coz you're not welcome anymore! #
# Weren't you the one who traggered hurtly by? Do you think I'd grumble? Do you think I'd lay down and die? #
# Oh no, not I. I will survive! #
# Oh, as long as I know how to love, I'll know I'll stay alive! #
# I've got all my life to live! I've got all my love to give! And I'll survive. I'll survive. #
Wassup, dawg? # Took out all the strength I had #
# And let the ball apart, dawg? #
# Tellin' how you remember the pieces of my broken heart #
# And I spent oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself #
- # And I used to cry. # - # But now I hold my hand up high! #
# And you see me. Somebody nude. #
# I'm not that change-up little person stealing love with you #
It's Britney, bitch!
# Oh you fell like dropping in and just expecting me to be free #
# Now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me #
Ooh, come on! Ahh, hah, hah!
Britney's in the house. Where my babies at? Ahh, like this.
# Oh I won't. Walk out the door. #
# Just turn around now. Cause you're not welcome anymore! #
# Weren't you the one who tried to wave me goodbye. Do you think I'd grumble? #
# Do you think I would lay down and die? Oh no, not I! I will survive! #
# Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive #
# I've got all my life to live. I've got all my love to give. And I'll survive! #
# And I'll survive. Hey-hey! #